Should I Stay or Should I Go…


When I started this blog it was to give myself a sense of empowerment.  It was to help me face my fears and conquer my anxiety. 

Over the past few months a post I wrote has really been circulating and making its way around social media. While at first I was very proud of its “success,” trolls have started rearing their ugly heads. Granted, there have only been a few, but the hateful things they said really stuck with me and have made me question if continuing with this blog is something I want to do. 

I have spent my whole life shaking off the mean and nasty things other people have said about me. I have always turned the other cheek and just tried to remain as polite as possible.  I hate confrontation. And I hate feeling attacked for just being who I am. I am not an aggressive, mean spirited person, I keep to myself and and try to blend in. I am uncomfortable being the center of attention. I have always been too sensitive. I am grown enough to know that I cannot please everyone and there will always be people who dislike me for one reason or another.  But I am not sure if I want to continue to put myself and my life out there on display for other people to tear down.  

I am torn between scrapping this whole thing and maybe just continuing to blog about beauty or hanging in there.  I always told myself that if my thoughts and words could help just one person, I’d be happy. But I was nieave in thinking there wouldn’t be “haters,” and that I would be mentally prepared to deal. Telling me I’m ugly or I don’t write well is one thing, but when people insult my family and my beliefs just for the sake of being mean, I cannot process it.  It feeds my anxiety and the very thing I set out to do to help me overcome my demons turns into a nightmare.  

So here I am, at a crossroads. Should I stay or should I go? 

Managing My Anxiety 

Managing My Anxiety 

I wanted to do a follow up post about how I have been managing my anxiety.  I did a post a while back and it was pretty much an overview of my anxiety and depression with a brief history.  If you want to read it, I will include the link here:

When I wrote that I was at a point where I had finally recognized that I was not getting better on my own and I sought out medical help.  I was on an anti-depressant and an anxiety medication for 8 months, and while overall they did seem to improve my mood, I was not prepared for some of the adverse effects.  I discontinued my use of the medication in July of 2013, when my husband and I started trying to conceive baby number two.  By September I was pregnant and in May of 2014 we welcomed a healthy baby boy.  While I was in the hospital my doctor and nurses monitored my “mood”.  While I was elated to have brought a beautiful baby into the world, they were concerned about post-partum depression.  Before I was discharged from the hospital, my doctor asked me how I felt and if I would like to resume my medications.  I was still on cloud nine, so I briefly gave it some thought and turned it down.  It has been almost a full year since my son was born and I am so happy to say I have experienced no post-partum depression.  Anxiety on the other hand…

Let me explain to you what anxiety feels like, for me.  My mind is in a constant state of worry and dread.  The simplest things like waiting in line at the post office make me uncomfortable and feel almost impossible.   I have trouble concentrating and sleeping because I am restless and always on edge.  I am unreasonably self-conscious and have very low self-esteem.  Not to mention what it does to me physically.  Anxiety attacks!  My chest becomes painfully tight, my breathing becomes so shallow I feel like I am suffocating and my legs turn into noodles.  Not to mention crying.  As soon as I feel the onset of an anxiety attack, I spontaneously begin to cry.  Followed then by nausea and embarrassment.  I have no control over my body.  I feel like I am dying.  Just writing this makes my chest tight and head feel dizzy.  But I will persevere.

That’s it.  That is my secret to managing my anxiety.  I WILL persevere.  This will not kill me.  I will get through it and continue my day; my life.  While my gut instinct is to avoid crowded public places, I force myself to be present.  I correct my lack of focus by making myself do incredibly detail oriented work.  I put myself out there on social media and this blog to conquer my self-consciousness.  This is my life, it is too beautiful to miss out on and I will not let my anxiety control it!  

Don’t be mistaken, I am not this brave every day.  I have my weak moments where I break down, but they are getting farther apart.  I have to wake up every day and remind myself, that I have to persevere, I have to overcome and that’s hard to do every single day.  It’s a battle I will be fighting the rest of my life.  I will stumble, and have bad days, days I want to give up, but I can’t.  I owe it to myself, my family and my friends to keep moving forward.  My husband always says we have to adapt and overcome.  That is exactly what I am doing. 

My anxiety does not define me, I will define my anxiety.  


Getting Married Young: My Opinion

Getting Married Young: My Opinion

“You’re just a baby! I can’t believe you’re married!”  If I had a nickel for every time someone said this to me…well…you know the rest.  At the ripe old age of 25, I have spent my entire adult life with the same man.  I met my husband when I was 19, by 20 we had our first son and at 21 we said “I Do.”  We’ve heard it all, from “Oh they’ll never make it.” or “They’re only getting married because they have a kid together.”  And let me be the first to say, YOU ARE ALL WRONG.

Kyle and I didn’t have to get married, we chose to get married.  Yes, I’ll admit, we were extremely young when we tied the knot, we weren’t established career wise and we didn’t have a lot to our names.  We struggled, but by the grace of God and our incredibly supportive parents, we made it work.  Kyle and I didn’t do anything slow.  We’ve been inseparable since day one.  We were living together and sharing a cell phone plan, auto insurance and a joint bank account after four months of dating.  We just knew.  Today, six years later, we have two beautiful sons, a lovely little home, we both have great careers and you know what else, we are still in love with each other and making it work.

1. Think about all the things you’ll miss out on. I think one of peoples biggest hang ups about couples getting married young is them missing out on life.  I think that is complete garbage.  What in life cannot be experienced with your partner, besides promiscuity?  I don’t know about you, but my husband is my best friend.  We talk about everything.  We laugh together, ugly cry together, ok maybe not so much him, but me definitely, and we support each other.  What is wrong with that?  I get to experience anything and everything I want in life with my best friend by my side.

2.  You’re not mature enough to be married.  Another issue I hear quiet often is maturity, or in this case, lack there of.  Yes, the decision to get married is one that should not be taken lightly.  Divorce is expensive and broken hearts are no fun.  But, if you love someone, truly, selflessly love someone, then divorce and broken hearts shouldn’t even be on your radar. To decide to be married means to put someone else’s needs above your own.  Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, both people have to be all in or not in at all.  Marriage is a full time job.  It shouldn’t matter if you are 18 or 50, if you can’t respect that, then you aren’t ready.  In our case, we’ve both grown so much over the past six years.  And the beautiful thing is, we’ve grown together.  Of course there were times when we weren’t selfless and in 100%, but luckily, my hunka hunka burning love and I agree that our marriage is and always will be worth the work.  What we have is too precious to not put the effort and “routine maintenance” to keep it running smoothly (high five for a car reference!).

3.  You’ll lose who you are as a person.  WTF.  Seriously, no, just no.  This one has always rubbed me the wrong way.  I know who I am.  I’m not in a cult being brainwashed to forget everything that makes me uniquely Samantha.  I’m just in a happy, healthy relationship.  I think this concern comes from people who   either:                                                                                                                                                                                               a.) don’t have a whole lot of faith in you and think you’ll become a mindless relationship zombie.  OR                                        b.) they lack the confidence and/or ability to remain true to themselves while in a relationship and are projecting that onto you.  Their hang ups are not your issue.  Unless of course you are in an unhealthy relationship and your significant other has you on lock down, controlling everything, down to how you get your hair cut.  If that’s the case, then run, don’t walk, away from them and get help if need be.

To sum it up, just because I got married when I was 21 does not mean I am missing out on life.  I was lucky I didn’t have to kiss a bunch of frogs before I found my prince.  As long as we remember to give as much as we receive and always make an effort to keep improving and growing our marriage will withstand anything.  I wake up excited everyday for the new adventures our life together will bring.  Even if that days adventure ends up being pizza and movies on the couch.  Getting married young just means we get more time in our forever together.


Tattooed and Employed. Overcoming Tattoo “Discrimination”


Recently, I have become increasingly more aggravated with trying to find “appropriate” clothing to wear to work that covers my tattoos.  I made the comment to my husband that I should just start designing clothing for tattooed women who work in Corporate America.  Although I was joking then, now,  I don’t think it’s a half bad idea.  I work in the human resources department for a non-profit organization so I am supposed to be the epitome of professionalism.  I enjoy my job, very much actually, but trying to maintain a professional appearance while not being able to wear the clothing available for women in business settings is difficult.  Prior to this, I was an administrative assistant for a car dealership, and while I was required to keep my chest covered because of the tattoo across it, it was acceptable for a salesmen with full sleeves to have his arms uncovered.  Hypocritical much!?  I did not fight it, I was just thankful to have a job.

While I know tattooing my arms, my chest and other areas where my choice and my choice alone, I wish there was some way to help employers see past my tattoos and recognize that I am incredibly hard working, smart, and professional.  Honestly, most people aren’t even aware of my tattoos until I disclose the fact that I do have them, and they are visible in spots.  Let’s face it, I work well in an office setting; I’m not a very artistic person, other than doing makeup and writing and let’s be real for a second, no one is going to pay me to write anything and doing makeup wont keep my lights on.  I have no formal post secondary education, so my options are limited.  Entry level office work is my calling.  Unfortunately my calling and my appearance clash.

I don’t expect to change the world make everyone accept tattoos.  And I certainly don’t foresee a career change to a more “creative” profession that would allow me to aptly provide for my family.  The fact of the mater is, I am just tired of covering myself up.  Getting dressed and feeling confident and comfortable should not be a 30 minute ordeal.  I am tired of using wardrobe tape and trying to dress up plain crewneck tops.  If I am supposed to be a professional, it would be nice if I could truly dress like one!  I could understand if my tattoos were offensive, but they are not.  Being able to see a diamond on my chest should not completely turn people/employers off to the fact that I am capable and eager to work.  Think of it this way, if I opted for a breast enlargement instead of a chest tattoo, but had the same desirable resume, would a potential employer look at me and think, “Oh big fake boobs, must me a bimbo or an airhead.” No, probably not.  So why see my tattoos and think I am “rough around the edges” or “unprofessional” ? I don’t carry myself that way.

It boils down to social norms and what society views as acceptable.  Even if tattoos are becoming increasingly popular, the harsh reality is, people do not care.  You will be judged on your appearance, sometimes unfairly.  You cant’ let it discourage you.  It is up to you to prove that yes, I may look different, but that does not mean I am less of a value or an asset.  If that means I have to start sewing my own special work clothes, so be it.  Because I am good enough.

God’s Not Dead

God’s Not Dead

Its been a few months since I’ve posted, but life has been crazy around here lately!  On May 11th we welcomed our second baby boy, Colton.  Best mothers day gift EVER!  And this past week I started my new job.  So like I said, it’s been a crazy few months.
But my real reason for this post was prompted by my husband and I watch the movie “God’s Not Dead.”  It is no secret that I am a Christian, I was saved when I was 11 and used to want to be a missionary.  However, I am by no means a perfect Christian, I sin on the daily. I can have quite the potty mouth,  I haven’t actually been to church in years and I went through a phase of doubting if God did really in fact exist. I don’t want to make this a long drawn out post,  so I will keep it short and sweet.
I am often asked by people close to me,  my mother included,  how I can still believe in God and the fact that he is good.  Yes,  I’ve been through terrible things in my life.  I’ve lost some of the most precious people in my life,  been used and abused by people I thought loved me and I could trust.  I’ve begged for God to spare my dying loved ones to no avail. So, no, I do not view the world through rose colored glasses.  Bad things happen to good people.  But as terrible and mind altering as a large portion of my life has been,  I’ve always held on to my faith, no matter how little may have actually been there.  I could have very easily dismissed my faith and turned my back on God,  but I didn’t. Every bad moment and event has brought me to where I am todqy.  Yes,  I miss my loved ones everyday,  but I find peace in knowing they are truly happy in heaven. I know I have God on my side and though he may not give me everything I want, he gives me everything I NEED.  My life is truly beautiful when I step back and look at it.  I am loved,  I have a beautiful, healthy family and I am able to contribute and provide for my family. 
Watching the movie really helped reaffirm my faith and belief in my Lord and Savior.  I know not everyone will agree with me and that is fine,  I fully support everyone’s right to their own beliefs.  I just needed to share the happiness and peace I am feeling.